Vampire Salad
by RipperGiles
Summary: Shocking news on the origins of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer


Disclaimer: I do not own any character used here. All events are fictitious.  
  
  
  
Marx Foundation Sues Joss Whedon and 20th Century Fox Over Buffy Copyright  
  
Buffy Originally a Marx Character  
  
UNIVERSAL STUDIOS, LOS ANGELES, CA and the MARX FOUNDATION, SUNNYDALE, CA   
(October 10, 2000)—At film and television media event TVFS this week, media giant Universal Studios   
and The Marx Foundation, an organisation run by the granddaughter of the late Groucho Marx, Ms. Emily   
Marx for the furthering of the Marx Brothers' work, announced a joint legal case against Joss Whedon,   
famous as the creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  
  
As evidence, the studio is citing a previously unfilmed script, destined as a vehicle for the Marx Brothers.   
This script, entitled "Vampire Salad", has been on display at the Marx Centre in Marin County, CA for   
almost twelve years. "Clearly," said a representative for Universal Studio, "Joss Whedon has seen this   
script and adapted it to his film and television shows Buffy and Angel. This is unacceptable and credit must   
go where credit is due."  
  
The script in question is a plot involving the Marx Brothers, set in Sunnydale, CA, revolving around a   
young "vampire slayer" named Buffy. Also appearing in the script are Giles, Oz, Cordelia, Xander and   
Angel, though oddly Willow, another regular on the 20th Century Fox worldwide smash hit Buffy: The   
Vampire Slayer is missing. Lawyers for Universal are also citing the season three Buffy episode entitled   
"The Zeppo" as clear Marx influence on the show.  
  
In an unprecedented move 20th Century Fox have given their full backing to Joss Whedon, announcing a   
counter-suit for character defamation. The studio have also begun issuing transcriptions of the original   
script, which they claim is outside of copyright, in an attempt to demonstrate that it bears little resemblance   
to their hit television show.   
  
Initial hearings will commence in April of next year.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
From the original (unfilmed) screenplay Vampire Salad   
  
Cast:  
Cordelia: Margaret Dumas  
Angel: Chico Marx  
Oz:Harpo Marx  
Buffy: Judy Garland  
Giles:Zeppo Marx  
Xander:Groucho Marx  
  
Cordelia, Oz, Angel, Buffy, Giles, Xander are in the school library. Ms. Calendar has just left.  
  
  
Xander: Not that I care but where is your new girlfriend?  
Giles: Why? She left.  
Xander: Looking at you, I know why.  
Giles: That's it I'm not staying to be insulted.  
  
Giles closes the book he is consulting.  
  
Xander: Don't leave in a huff, wait a while and leave in a minute and a huff.  
Giles: That's it – call me a cab.  
Xander [to camera]: This is too easy.  
  
Oz grabs Cordelia's leg and hooks it onto his left hand. He toots a horn twice.  
  
Cordelia: Get off of me you pervert.  
Angel: Nah, 'aint a nobody pervect.   
  
Oz drops Cordelia's leg and takes out a mouth organ. He starts to play.  
  
Xander: You know, that's music to my nose.   
Buffy: People please we have demons to slay!  
  
Angel grabs a stake from Buffy and starts stabbing the air.  
  
Angel: Please, let-a-me a-demonslate.  
Buffy: I meant eliminate: demons to eliminate.  
Angel: That's-a-fine. I'll take some.  
Buffy: Take what?  
Angel: Limonate. A nice cool-a glass of limonade. (To Xander) Hey boss I'm a goin' good.  
Xander: Please sign these lunatic forms so we can put you in a home.  
  
Xander hands Angel some legal documents. He flips to the end.  
  
Angel: Hey, whatsa this?  
Xander: That's a sanity clause.  
Angel: You donta fool-a me – there aint a-no sanity claus.  
  
Xander takes out a pen and crosses it out.  
  
Xander: That's fine we won't need it.  
  
Oz takes Cordelia's leg and hooks it into his left hand. He toots his horn twice.  
  
Cordelia: Get off me freak.  
Giles: We have demons on the loose or has everyone forgotten? Alright everyone focus!  
  
Oz drops Cordelia's leg.  
  
Angel: [looking at Buffy] Hey I could-a focus but I'd lose-a ma soul.  
  
A vampire bursts into the library and runs at them. Oz intercepts and does the leg thing. The vampire is   
hugely confused as Oz takes out an oversized toothbrush and begins cleaning its teeth.  
  
Xander: Any resemblance between those two and persons living is purely co-incidental. I never forget a   
face but in that vampires case, I'll make an exception.  
  
Oz signals for Xander to join him and slaps the vampires left wrist in Xanders hand.  
Xander: Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.  
  
Giles: Buffy you may wish to…  
Buffy: Already two pages ahead of you Giles.  
  
Buffy stakes the vampire who dusts. Oz is upset – he had hold of its leg.  
  
Angel: [comforting Oz] There, there. Its dust not-a fair.  
  
Giles is consulting another tome.   
  
Giles: It says here that we should expect three more.  
Xander: You know, outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too dark to read.  
Cordelia: Great! Trapped here with the three stooges. [off their looks] What?  
  
Oz, lifts her leg and slaps it into his left hand.  
  
Cordelia: Ewwww!  
Buffy: Stranger things have happened in Sunnydale.  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
